One of the things that people frequently complain about is that their partner doesn’t touch them enough. Touch can be confusing, though. One person’s pat of affection is another person’s invitation to make love. Another person’s invitation to make love is another person’s pat. But let’s first consider the purpose of touch, then look at some of the types of touch available to you and your partner.

Why do people touch one another? We reserve touch for people with whom we have a connection. We first learn touch from our parents who take care of us. We receive pleasure from soothing, nurturing touch and eventually we learn to give it back in return. We snuggle, we hug, we hold hands, especially when we are little.

When we are older, parents expect us to be independent. One of the ways some families encourage this is by not hugging and cuddling so much. Also, at a certain point, intimate touch between parent and child just becomes a little too intimate. So we learn to control our urge to touch.

However, that doesn’t mean we don’t still need to be touched. A researcher once compared groups of orphaned infants that did and did not receive touch. The orphans who did not receive touch did not thrive and some actually died. (Please note that today this type of research would be considered unethical.) Dr. Spitzer made his point, though, that humans need touch if they are to develop normally and have healthy relationships.

We need touch to reassure us, to let us know we are cared about, to relax us, and to communicate caring feelings. Here are four kinds of touch that you can think about: healing, affectionate, sensual, and sexual.

Healing touch: This kind of touch can be used to soothe your partner. A great neck massage or foot rub can ease muscle tension and make your partner feel good all over. You can use massage aids like rollers on your partner’s back and shoulders. Add some sesame or almost oil to the experience and you’re really onto something. You can scent the oil with an aromatherapy oil like sandalwood or eucalyptus for a guy, lavender or almost any fragrant flower for a woman.

Affectionate touch: Give your partner a hug or a squeeze around their shoulders. Throw your arms around his or her neck and hold on. Rub their arm or leg in a reassuring, loving way. Affectionate touch may or may not lead to sensual touch.

Sensual touch: This is a step up from affectionate touch. Now you’ll use longer, more sensual stroking of your partner’s arms and legs. When you hug him or her, you’ll let your hands really feel those muscles and savor their response. You may let a finger play along an ear or the throat. Sensual touch may or may not lead to sexual touch.

Sexual touch: Now you’re cooking with gas. Your touch is still long and lingering, but you start to include the erogenous zones like breast and inner thighs. You may be a little firmer and insistent with your touch. You will probably want to be partially clothed or nude so that you can feel your partner’s skin and muscles. Your touch also includes the genitals, often as a prelude to intercourse.

Now that you know more about touch, you can let your partner know the kind of touch you are looking for. You can tell him or her that you want a massage and nothing else. Or if you want affection, you can ask for that, too, and decide if you want to go on to some sensual touching. Agree that you are both permitted to give and take the kinds of touch you want, knowing that almost any kind of touch can make you feel warm and relaxed.